My heart floated in the air and hovered around the ceiling. I tried to jump to get it back in my hands, but it was just out of reach. So since the moon was shining bright and beckoning my heart to leave through the window, I was moved to tears. A superhero arrived. You lulled it back and into your hands where you gently handed it back to me. I promised to share it with you if you would always protect it.
Staring around the house with a paintbrush in my hand. I am not there to paint the walls, but instead to paint my life. I walk into the kitchen and wisp the brush over the table. White, and blue dishes appear. I wave the brush around my head and close my eyes. Delicious smells fill my nose and when I open my eyes I see the table full of roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly made rolls and grilled vegetables. The warmth of the food tingles my cheeks and nose and I see my brother point to my chair and tell me to come eat.
Around the couch I spread the paint and pillows with blankets appear. I sit with my mom and snuggle right in with a pile a books next to us. We read and we talk and we laugh and we sing and we sit and call each other our heart.
I take my brush to the front door and sweep it up and around. The oranges and reds become brighter and finally give way to an inviting yellow. I step out and see walk toward the future with my paint brush in my hand.
Still In Progress
Behind the window pane I saw your smile.
Steam from a warm kitchen began to form
droplets and a fog.
A table set for four was spaced
holding blue and white plates with silver spoons,
forks and knives.
The moonlight backdrop showed off
From the cold snowy night I saw
everything that you had to offer.
Guardian angels at heaven’s gate,
keep me safe from dark of night.
Help me greet the shimmering dawn
with childlike hope and wonder.
Let me choose love where exists only hate,
and teach me to have faith beyond vision.
Guide me home and focus my eyes
on the good fortune around me.
It has been hard to breathe in the past two days without feeling a lump stuck in my chest. I have wept for the children, staff and community of Newtown, CT. So close to my home and my heart. As a teacher and a parent, I feel lost, confused and helpless. The details kept becoming more and more unimaginable as the hours went on. By the end of my work day Friday, I was crying in my classroom with my students telling them how much they are loved.
As stories now are being told of the extreme heroism of the staff and the students, I am inspired by them. A principal, teachers telling their students that they love them, and faculty shielding the children from horror. The first responders who encountered the sights and the staff at Danbury hospital who readied the trauma area for the patients who never came. This loss of life cannot have been in vain. Their amazing lives, and stories must stay alive for us to remember. We must always remember.
Tonight at bedtime in my house, I held my sons tight. I smelled them. That might sound odd, but have you ever just smelled your child. Placed your cheek to their cheek and inhaled their beautiful sweetness. I am not sure I have for a long time, but tonight I broke all the rules of bedtime. I rocked my youngest until he fell asleep in my arms. I had him locked in tight and our faces were pressed together. I felt his soft hair and his warm breath and I prayed that my children would always be safe from harm. I prayed that those teachers and children who are now angels, will watch over my children too.
Today’s To Do List:
1. Grade 54 Reading Logs
2. Work on pages of numerous manuscripts and writing
3. Plan out weekly menu
4. Take the perfect photo of kids for this years Christmas card
5. Start my 5-7 page paper on the topic “what makes a good short story?” for fiction class final
6. Send photos to relatives for annual family calendar
7. Make a to do list for the week
8. Tuck kids into bed where they fall happily asleep for the night
… Where does a crying toddler fit into the list? He is supposed to be dreaming in his bed of such delight like puppies and brightly colored books. If he does not go to bed, how will I ever get my list done. I have too much to do to deal with this right now.
Walking into his room to see the tear streaked face saying, “Mama.” I picked up the blankets, and animals from the floor where he had dropped them in frustration. I told him it was bedtime and he had to lay down and go to sleep. Staring up at me from his dark brown eyes he said nothing more. He simply put his two arms up to me.
Picking him up, he instantly placed his head to the left of my body, directly over my heartbeat and pointed one hand to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. I shifted him slightly and he wrapped his arms around my arms and then we sat together. He snuggled in close, but did not immediately close his eyes. Instead, he stared up at my eyes for what seemed like a long time. The list slowly started to reorganize itself. Some items dropped off completely, while others just moved down to other spots. Rocking along to the song in my head, “Silent Night,” I remembered the most important “To Do” item that I had.